Monday, October 7, 2013

How to Turn a Nap into a Baby Party

Any good nap resistance starts with heavy eyelids. It's important that mom thinks you're about to drift peacefully off to sleep before we begin.  Frustration is the essential foundation for a good Baby Party.

Once you have given the appearance of falling asleep, the festivities can commence.  It is customary to lift and hold your leg in the air to declare your intentions.  Now, start waving it around, and then lead into kicking--slow at first, then erratically and frantic. Like the lever on a wind up toy, keep waving and kicking until you've built up a good momentum. Now, slowly drop your pacifier or mom's nipple, throw your eyes open, and start talking. Some self induced hyperventilating is a good way to get the blood flowing. Turn your head and twist your torso to break free of your mom's arms. It may not work at first, but keep trying. If she attempts to replace your pacifier, hold it in the corner of your mouth, and chew on it like a cigar.

Are you still talking? It's imperative that you make as much noise as possible at this point--your mom needs to understand  that there is no chance of surrender. You can try crying, but she'll probably just assume you're tired. No, it's best to exude happiness. I'm talking borderline insanity here.  Get your crazy eyes out, and start howling at the moon.

You're doing great; it's almost time. One more twist of the torso, use your hands to claw your way out... can you smell the frustration building? Now is your chance! Quick--twist, kick, babble, lunge!

You're free! 

It's time to announce the party! Stand up and frantically wave your arms in the air. Applaud yourself. If your mom's tummy is available, take a few victory bounces. Now is your time to shine, but you must be sure to keep her guessing. If you sit still too long, she's going to try to put you to sleep again. So go ahead and have a seat, recite some poetry, but then crawl over and try to lick her belly button. Play patty cake, then slap her around a little. Sweetly rest your head on the bed and coo, then jump up and raise the roof.  When in doubt, remember: a well timed squeal can crush the the hopes and dreams of even the most experienced mom.

Repeat as needed, and enjoy!

This post was brought to you by a week of Notorious Naps.  It was written while being bounced on and punched in the face by a sleep crazed party host. 

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