Wednesday, November 28, 2018

A Toy Vacuum Cleaner That Really Screams!

You’ve probably seen the links getting passed around Facebook. “Parents! Amazon sells this toy vacuum that actually cleans!”  Or how about “Dyson sells a vacuum for kids that actually works!“

This vacuum cleaner has been getting read discovered by unsuspecting parents over and over again for the last 5+ years. As someone who is sitting right next to one, let me just go ahead and tell you ALL about this toy.

Parents! Amazon sells this vacuum that has an extremely weak suction feature that drains the battery in 5 minutes and results in your kid screaming (again).  Dyson doesn't sell a vacuum that sounds like a canister of shrapnel and broken glass swirling around inside your brain because this toy is a replica manufactured by Casdon Toys.  It will make your ears bleed, but rest assured that it will be your child’s FAVORITE sound in the world. Every time you turn it off, they will turn it back on. Immediately. 

This "toy that every mom loves" is unbalanced, so every time your child tries to let go, it will fall over. This will make your child scream. You will turn off the vacuum machine to console your heartbroken child WHICH IS THE WORST THING you could have done. They will trun it back on and scowl at you.  You are now public enemy #1.  

When they are finally distracted, you will sneak away clutching the vacuum close to your chest to muffle its screams.  Sure, you will hide it like you do all annoying toys, breathing a momentary sigh of relief, but they will NEVER forget this machine.  They will weep for it whenever they see you vacuuming. And so this blessed "toy vacuum that really cleans" will be the longest living toy you own. You will name it Fred. You will dream about the day where you can load Fred up and haul him away to ANYWHERE ELSE. But we both know that Fred will be in the corner screeching until the day you die. 

Still want to buy it?  Well, you can lead a horse to water, but sometimes they just have to find their own reasons to drink.  Bottoms up, friends. 

(If you want a toy that can actually help clean without paving the road to your insanity, might I suggest something a little more old school?)

Friday, December 18, 2015

A Christmas Wish

Though my toddler rarely takes naps anymore, on busy days I do try to lie down with her for a break anyway. I secretly hope that she'll fall asleep because she looks so tired, while secretly hoping that she doesn't because I can kiss her early, easy-ish bedtime goodbye.

This morning we had "played football" and she had played with a friend... The need for a break seemed obvious. We usually play this game right before we lie down. She pretends to be a dinosaur and chases me to the bedroom where she hurries to get ready so she can beat me to bed. And so, after she chased me to the bedroom, I said the same thing I always say:

Me: "Let's go brush our teeth."
Toddler: "No thanks."
Me: "Okay, I'm going to brush my teeth and use the potty."
Toddler: "Can you say 'I hope there's no...'"
Me: "I hoooope there's no dinosaurs in my bed!"
Toddler: "No. I'm not a dinosaur." She says quietly.
Me: "Oh no, what are you?" I whisper.
Toddler: "A quarterback." She whispers back.
Me: "A what?"
Toddler: "A quarterback!" she cheers, bouncing up and down, waiting for me to say the magic words.
"Oh. Okay. I hoooope there are no... quarterbacks... in my bed?"
She giggles and runs to get ready.
I'm still standing here laughing.
She wins the race.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

One Snack Away From Chaos

It's nearly 9. The toddler is teething--3 of those 2 year molars at once.  I gave her Advil for the first time ever about 20 minutes ago, and now I'm panicking that her stomach was empty when she took it.  She is singing and massaging my face with her foot.  With a deep sigh, I sit up in her bed and turn on the lamp.

"Come on. I'm afraid your tummy was empty when you took that medicine. We better get you a small snack, okay?"

Her eyes light up as she slowly nods. The nod gets faster as a grin spreads across her face. She looks like Nancy Pelosi as she discovers a saucy love letter from Bin Laden in Hillary Clinton's high school yearbook.

It's a whole new world.  I gulp as she licks her lips.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Baby see, Baby do, Baby microwave

Toddlers are little sponges, constantly soaking up everything they see and hear.  BUT they do freestyle, and they freestyle well.  I just want you to know this so when my daughter looks you square in the eye and says:

"Baby is sleepy.  Baby go microwave."

You will understand that although I tried many things to get my daughter to sleep, wrapping her in a blanket and gently sliding her into the microwave was NOT one of them.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Ladies' Choice

Toddler: "Poo poos."
Me: "Did you poo poo or do you need to?"
Blank stare. I check her diaper. It's dry.
Me: "Do you want to go poo poo on the potty chair?"
Toddler: "Um... wanna go poo poo.... um... on the basketball."

Monday, September 29, 2014

Toddlers Be Crazy

Today, I attempted to slip away and get some work done at my computer. A gate divides my work area from the living room, and Sweet Pea was hanging on the gate calling to me "Wanna come iiiinnn." I told her it would be just one moment, and then I would come play.  That lasted about 5 minutes, and then I heard those two, terrifying words:

"Uh oh." 

"What's wrong, baby?" I said as I looked to the gate. She had reached her arms through the bars and was holding her hands together on the other side.
"Uh oh, arms." She said, concerned yet preoccupied.
I laughed. "Did you put your arms through the gate?"
She very abruptly pulled her face to the gate and barked out "WANNA DRAW A KITTY CAT!"

Because sometimes having a toddler is kind of like having a rabid beast.

 A rabid beast with a taste for crayons.


Today, we had a sample Gymboree class.  The group was about 20 kids from ages varying from infant to 4 year olds.  The instructor had about 2 months experience with Gymoboree.  What followed was pure, unfiltered chaos.

Sweet Pea is a timid toddler.  She needs time to warm up to new places and new children.  She's much easier going with other adults, especially at the mall.  Don't ask me why.. maybe it's the music.  When she was about 14 months old, she walked right up to what looked like a linebacker for The Dallas Cowboys, sulking angrily outside the women's changing room.  She placed her tiny hand upon his knee, and then she started dancing.  Not a small dance, but a full-blown "YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS BEHIND" dance.  The man couldn't help himself.  He broke into laughter.

I knew going into Gymboree that it was going to take some time for her to warm up to the idea.  But I really had no idea what we were getting into.  For the first 10 minutes, she just stood next to me, holding my hand and staring in disbelief as the children ran up this, slid down that, jumped off over here, crawled under there.  I feel like the site could have been likened to animals escaping a zoo.  She just held on and watched.  It was not until a small child ran by carrying A Sacred Ball that she spoke up.

I responded calmly, "Yes, he has a ball.  That's so cool."  Another child ran by with a ball, and I started to panic.  We are going to have to find a ball.
"ANOTHER BALL?!" Sweet Pea was elated.
"Okay, let's go find a ball."  It didn't take long before I spotted some hanging in the back.  We plucked one off the jungle gym from which it was suspended.  She was ecstatic.  That's all she needed.  Yep, folks, nothing more to see here.

Filled with the last breath of all the parents & toddlers trapped before you.

The whole place was kind of like standing in the middle of a tornado.  We were just there... rolling a ball back and forth,while things screamed and ran by.  It wasn't long before the eye of the storm dissolved into THE STORM OF THE CENTURY.  It was every Mommy & Me pair for themselves.

Imagine: The Purge, Toddler Edition.

Look over there, that kids hanging upside down.  Oops, while you were looking, that kid stole your ball.  Don't worry, here's another kid bringing you a different ball.  Oh, that's really nice, isn't it?  Say,  "Thank you!"  Wait. Why is this ball wet?  A kid slams into your back.  The mom waves apologetically.  You smile.  No harm done.  Wait, why is Sweet Pea on the ground?  Here, I'll roll the ball to you, you roll the ball to me.  Ugh, this is still the wet ball?  You look around.  Is anyone else concerned why this ball is wet?

Moms are everywhere, chatting with other moms, catching children by the back of their shirts to lower them gently on the padded floor.  Don't jump off there, jump off here.  Don't slide until that little boy has moved.  Too late, there's a pile up of toddlers wailing, but the bottom one is just trying to re-load the slide.  He's stuck... sliding in place on the mat.  Where's Sweet Pea? Oh, she has 4 balls now.  What's that on the floor next to her?  A BANDAID? DON'T TOUCH THAT!  LOOK, another BALL!  A baby spits up on the floor.  No one is looking.  You try to call for assistance, but no one can hear you.  Sweet Pea is running for a bucket of balls, you have no choice... you have to leave the puddle behind.  Another kid slides through it.  That mouth spit is officially everywhere.  And Sweet Pea is carrying around the wet ball again.  FOR CHRIST SAKE, WHY IS THAT BALL WET?  Did you even bring hand wipes?  That link on Facebook said that hand wipes can't even kill Enterovirus.  Only good hand washing.  Is there even a bathroom here?  How many times do you have to wash your hands after this?  Maybe you will both just take a shower.  Maybe you need a bio-shower with a steel bristle brush.

Something cold touches your shoulder.  There is a little one pulling up on you, but his hands are covered in something wet, slimy, and.... opaque.  His mouth is agape and nearing your arm.  This is it.  Forget Enterovirus, the zombie plague has arrived.  Your mind screams: YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.  YOU HAVE TO RUN FOR THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW.  LOCK THE DOOR AND DO NOT OPEN IT EVER AGAIN.  NO ONE IS SAFE! But Sweet Pea looks scared over there.  The baby smiles as you slide away from him. You try to smile back.  "Oh, he's so cute," you say to the exhausted mother as you choke back your own bile.  The instructor yells that it's time to gather around the parachute.  FINALLY! An exit plan!  But, by the time you navigate the crowd, the parachute is covered in babies.  That's it.  You melt to the ground and desperately grasp the edge, smiling through clenched teeth, waiting for the wind to take you away.  You dream of a simpler time... floating in the quiet peaceful waves of Kindermusik...

This post was not sponsored by Gymboree, Kindermusik, Enterovirus, or The Purge.